


The Doctor Can't Steer

by LordRebeccaSama



Series: Free Prompts! [9]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Hogan's Heroes
Genre: Escape Tunnels, F/M, Gen, German Underground, Post-Episode: s07e05 The Angels Take Manhattan, Pre-Episode: s04e08 Silence in the Library, Prompt Fic, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 19:16:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2240364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordRebeccaSama/pseuds/LordRebeccaSama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor decides to go to Germany during WWII <i>again</i>, but this time, he gets arrested.  Good thing River is there to get help from some unsung heroes of the war.</p><p>Just a prompt that's free to adopt!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor Can't Steer

**Author's Note:**

> This is 2 of 3 of my Doctor Who/Hogan's Heroes prompts. I could never decide how I wanted to start it.

"Don't you think that you're cutting it close coming to Germany?"

The Doctor pouted and spun to face River. "Why do you say that? I've been to World War Two a bunch of times."

"That's why I'm concerned." River raised her eyebrows. "Sweetie, you're not a very good driver."

"Not to worry, River, dear," he said and spun to pull another lever. "Can't cross my own timeline. As long as I steer clear of the same locations at the same time, I'll be good." River pulled the lever back to steady out the flight of the TARDIS, which he only made worse with his ministrations.

"Alright, then," she said, hoping he somewhat knew what he was doing. "Where are we going in Germany, then?" River asked, walking up to her husband and leaning close.

The Doctor looked up and swallowed thickly, a blush forming on his cheeks. She was only two inches from his face.

"Well, um, well, yes," He backed away from his wife. "Old Willy has asked me to check on some prisoners for him." The TARDIS rocked as it landed.

"Does he know you locked Hitler in the cupboard?"

The Doctor spun from the screen. "Why should that matter? And I didn't lock him in the cupboard, Rory did." He bopped her on the nose.

River sighed. "Sweetie, there's probably a warrant for your arrest throughout all of Germany."

The Doctor opened the door, facing River he said, "Nonsense, why would Hitler do that?" The Doctor trailed off as he stepped out of the TARDIS and onto German soil. Seven armed Gestapo men surrounded the entrance to the TARDIS. He pulled the door shut, engaging the automatic locking system and raised his arms. "Good afternoon, fellas, lovely weather we're having."

River growled and tugged on the doors which had sealed themselves off. She knew this would happen. The Doctor can't drive the TARDIS, regardless of how much the ancient, blue box loved him. She knew that he would miscalculate the landing location and get himself in trouble. She knew coming back to the Second World War was a bad idea, but did that idiot listen? No.

"Alright, old girl, I guess it's just you and me for now," River said when it was clear that the door wouldn't open for her at the moment.

River sulked and sat down in the flight chair with a view of the screen. She waited until nightfall and only two guards were left looking after the TARDIS. River applied her hallucinogenic lipstick and cracked open the now unlocked doors. The TARDIS knew the only way to get back her Doctor was to let her Child get local help. She would hide herself then.

River smiled when they were both looking away from the TARDIS and quickly stepped out and closed the door behind her. The blue box promptly disappeared from sight, setting itself one second into the future and just out of sync with the rest of the current timeline.

"Hello, boys," River said, smiling as they turned around and leveled their guns at her. She was faster and shot the guard on the right in stomach, causing him to yowl in pain and drop his gun.

"What is this? Who are you?" the left guard said.

River took two steps forward and placed herself out of safe shooting range for the guard. "I'm Professor River Song," she whispered in his ear. She pecked him on the lips, grabbed the downed guard's gun and took off running.

The guard was found a few minutes later by the other Gestapo pointing his gun at his partner saying he was an escaped prisoner from the nearby Stalag Thirteen by the name of Professor River Song.

"-A Professor River Song?"

" _There is no one here by that name,_ " Colonel Wilhelm Klink of Stalag Thirteen said to Major Wolfgang Hoschetter of Gestapo Headquarters over the phone.

Hoschetter bared his teeth and growled, slamming a hand on his desk.

"I know that, you _dumkoff._ Have any of your prisoners said anything about a man named 'The Doctor'? She's an associate of him."

Klink was silent, thinking the question over. " _No, major, nothing, nothing at all, but if they had I would report it right away to the appropriate people._ "

Hoschetter snarled, "Do you know _why_ he is important, Klink?"

Klink whimpered, " _N-no, Major._ "

Hoschetter rolled his eyes. How Klink stayed at his cushy desk job, no one would ever know. "He's an enemy of the mighty Third Reich. He assaulted the Fuhrer in 1938 with three other people." Klink gasped. "However, we managed to apprehend him last night as he stepped out of his blue box."

" _That's great, major._ "

The Gestapo man barked out at Klink, "There was someone else with him!"

" _What?_ " Klink squeeked out over the phone.

"The woman, the one I asked you about. This 'Professor River Song'. Height's about one point seven meters, reddish-blond curly hair, and grey-green eyes. If you see anyone, _anyone,_ who even comes _close_ to that description, apprehend them and contact me at once!"

" _Oh, um, of course sir, yes, sir. If I see her, I will be sure to give you a call._ "

"Good, Heil Hitler."

" _Heil Hitler._ " Hoschetter hung up, not wishing to hear anymore of Klink's groveling.

"Sir?" Kinch said as he climbed up the ladder into the barracks.

Colonel Robert Hogan looked up from the plans of the bombing for tonight. "Yeah, Kinch? Call from London?"

Kinch shook his head and sat at the table next to Carter. "No, sir. I just overheard a call from Hoschetter to Klink. The Gestapo have apprehended someone named 'The Doctor'. I called around and found out it was because he put Hitler in a closet in thirty-eight." Grins broke out on everyone's faces.

"'Ow do you think he managed that?" Newkirk asked.

" _Je ne sais pas, mon ami_ , but I would have loved to see the look on that _Bosch's_ face." Carter nodded in agreement.

"Alright, fellas, settle down," Hogan said. "Go on, Kinch."

"Right, well, they're after someone who was with him. A woman by the name Professor River Song."

"She sounds like my kind of woman," Newkirk replied.

"Contact the Underground and see if they can keep a look-out for her. If anyone sees her, tell them to contact us and we'll come pick her up. Get any information on The Doctor's whereabouts. Once we get her, we'll work on an escape attempt. Anyone who puts Hitler in a closet are our kind of people."

"Right, sir."

Running around Germany with nothing but heels and a denim dress with guns strapped around shoulders, not to mention her own blaster, would have been a dead giveaway she was on the run, or an enemy, but River had taken the Doctor's old trench coat from his tenth regeneration with her when she left the TARDIS. It was the perfect coat to hide massive deadly weapons in.

She bought some dinner in a small restaurant called the Hafbrau with money she acquired from the bank using some spare Psychic Paper she found in a box under the console. She sat in the corner table, watching the _normal_ humans interact. It was a marvelous thing—history in the making.

However, she was still pissed that the Doctor left her. He was always running off, no concern for his or anyone else's safety. Sometimes, she wanted to punch the man.

"Ma'am?" River's head snapped up and stared at the man in the trench coat that had come over to her table. Her eyes narrowed and her hand hovered over her blaster.

"Yes?"

"May I sit here?"

River looked the man up and down. Well-worn coat, dirt on the hem of his pants, _slight_ American accent, but it was so minute that a normal person wouldn't have picked up on it.

"Of course," she paused, "I'm sorry, I don't know your name."

He smiled and sat down, placing one of his drinks in front of her. "Hans Gruber."

She shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, sweetie," River leaned close to his ear, "but you and I both know that isn't your _real_ name."

Gruber smiled and nodded once. "It's not safe to reveal who I am quite yet."

River smiled. "I understand. I'm Melody Pond." She drank some of the beer in front of her. They both sipped at their drinks, chatting quietly.

"I was wondering, _Fraulein_ Pond, if I could walk you home," Gruber asked when she was done with her beer.

"That would be lovely. Thank you."

Gruber stood up and held out his arm for River. She looped hers around and they left the small restaurant for the gloomy streets beyond.

River sent out a silent request of the TARDIS as they neared the spot she originally left from.

In one sift move, River pushed open the doors and pulled Gruber in, pinning him against an inside wall.

"Okay, who are you?" she asked, blaster pinned under his chin.

Gruber gulped and backed away from the blaster. "Colonel Robert Hogan. United States Air Force. I work in the local Underground out of Stalag Thirteen. You're Professor River Song, correct?"

River stared at the man. He was telling the truth. "I don't know who informed you of my presence, but okay," she said and put the blaster back in the holster. She walked around the console and typed his name into the computer, just to be doubly sure. His face showed up, minus the mustache, with his information. "Colonel Robert Hogan, Papa Bear, under the command of General Butler, correct?"

Hogan nodded as he looked around the main room. "What is this place?" he asked.

"It's the TARDIS. Come here." Hogan walked over to the screen. "Which room in your tunnel is empty?"

Hogan stared at the screen. It showed a layout of the tunnels. "How?"

"Which room is empty? If you don't tell me I'll park where I feel like it and that might be in the way of something important." Hogan pointed to the few empty rooms. River nodded and danced around the console pulling levers and pushing buttons. The room jerked and she moved towards the doors. "You coming?"

"What?" Hogan asked. River rolled her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> If you take this idea and run with it, please let me know so that I can add a link here. You don't have to use what I wrote. The characters don't even have to act like I wrote them, but if you use this as inspiration, please let me know. I may continue this story one day, but it's unlikely.


End file.
